While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Welcome to Heaven,’ says Saint Peter, ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,’ says the PM.

‘I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.’

‘But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,’ replies Rudd

‘I’m sorry .. But we have our rules,’ Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down …all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years — Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ‘suckers and peasants.’

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, ‘Have a tequila and relax, Kev!’

‘Uh, I can’t drink anymore; I took a pledge,’ says Rudd, dejectedly.

‘This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!’

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit Heaven,’ the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special!

‘Whoa,’ he says uncomfortably to himself. ‘Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!’

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, ‘Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.’

With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute … Then answers: ‘Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.’

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.’ I don’t understand,’ stammers a shocked Rudd, ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!’

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!’

Thanks Ray for submitting this one!

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, “Julia I
have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.”
“Good idea Prime Minister, how will we go about it?” said Julia.
“Well,” said Rudd, “we’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM
Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog.
Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country
pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.”" Right ,”said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off
from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked
in with the dog and up to the bar.”G,day mate,” said Rudd, to the bartender,
“two middies of your best beer.” “Good afternoon Prime Minister,” said the
bartender, “two middies of our best coming up”.

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,
nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog
lay quietly at their feet.All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar
opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He
walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few
moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to
the dog and, lifted it’s tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and
went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another
four or five stockmen came in and, lifted the dogs tail and went away
looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the Barman
over.”Tell me,” said Rudd, “why did all those old stockmen come in and look
under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?” “Strewth no!”
said the barman. “It’s just that someone went ‘n told ‘em there was a cattle
dog in this bar with two arseholes!”

Thanks Rachel for the joke!

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school in Tasmania.

One class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’.

‘No,’ said Rudd ‘that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy’.

‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Mr. Rudd ‘that’s what we would call great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rudd searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Rudd was struck by a ‘friendly fire’
missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Rudd . ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says little Johnny ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a f*cking accident either!’

Source: Pinky, www.ausgamers.com

Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Movie World in QLD’

Kevin said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on my special Prime Minister’s airplane.’

The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Speedo ‘SHARK’ bathers.’

Kevin said, ‘I’ll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!’

The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’

The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad, tequila, finds out I saved your arse from drowning!’

Source: Pinky, www.ausgamers.com